Train in Vain

You said you loved me, and that's a fact
Then you left me, said you felt trapped

Well some things you can explain away
But my heart aches in me till this day

Did you stand by me?
No, not at all.
Did you stand by me?
No way.

Apologies to We-evil for swiping his lyrical motif.

As much as I like classic punk, I never thought my adult life would bring relevance to lyrics from The Clash. It's really more suited to teen angst and other disaffectations of youth. At 32, you are supposed to put these things behind you. Yet here I am, finding resonance in the words of Joe Strummer. Bear with me a bit. This will likely be the last post on this subject.

I found out Thursday night that she reads my posts here. Or, at least, she used to. She was rather surprised to learn that I knew about the new guy. Through a couple of emails and text messages, she offered a sort of explanation.

It seems that the three biggest factors in her leaving were as follows:

- I am apparently too boisterous for her. She had problems with how outgoing I can be, and how much more difficult it can be to embarrass me than it is for her. Things I would freely talk about with my friends were apparently embarrassing for her.

- She said I blew her off and never made time for her, though she continually made time for me. I can't think of any time I explicitly declined spending time with her. Perhaps she had problems with me not wanting to insinuate myself into the family activities she organized with the kid. Only she really knows.

- She said whenever I did agree to do something with her, she felt like she was forcing me to participate. Evidently my lack of bouncing up and down with barely controlled excitement was translated as reluctance.

She assured me that she hadn't started dating the new guy until after we were done (the phrase "break-up" seems to imply at least mutual consideration). The way she talked about him, though, it seems like she didn't exactly wait too long. She also mentioned the biggest reason she agreed to date this new guy was because it was unlikely I'd find out. There's nothing quite like the justification of "I thought you'd never know" to salve the wounds.

I wish I was big enough to wish her well in the new relationship, but I doubt it will last. Given what she's told me and what I've experienced, I have an idea of how things will go. He'll probably end up as confused as I was.

On the surprising plus side, this information age makes it remarkably easy to excise someone from your life. Contact lists on my phone means I don't actually know anyone's phone number. Three clicks, and a phone number is gone. "Quick Reply" and Contact functions in email programs mean I don't have to learn anyone's address. Three clicks, and an email address is lost.