Economic Recovery

Allow me to set the stage.

It's late at night. You've got a bit of insomnia, and find yourself in front of the television, stubbornly searching for something to occupy your mind. Frustrated, you abandon your search. Every channel seems to be playing infomercials for the latest, greatest food dehydrator, or the newest video, Girls Gone Wild in Salt Lake City. After a moment, you hear the shouting of this man:

"Hi. Billy Mays here for Zombie Boomstick, the walking, talking, economic recovery package.

Have you come upon tough times financially? Get to know Zombie Boomstick. Simply making plans with Boom will turn your world around. Need cash? Making plans with Boom is almost as easy as printing money. For all you freelance workers out there, schedule some time with Boom, and your phone will start ringing off the hook. New clients. Old clients. Everyone will be calling you when you're expecting Zombie Boomstick.

Perfect for around the house, at picnics, in restaurants, any place you need some cash in your pocket. Simply call up Zombie Boomstick, and before you know it, money will practically be falling out of your pockets.

Business owners, ask for our corporate package. We'll arrange to have Zombie Boomstick sent to your headquarters. Once shipping details have been finalized, you'll see business pick up like you wouldn't believe.

Ladies, looking to land that special guy? Make a date with Zombie Boomstick, and you're almost guaranteed to meet someone else, right away.

For all your life-improving needs, ask for Zombie Boomstick. Boom can be yours for only 3 easy payments of "$whatever-you-think-is-fair.99 plus shipping and handling."

But wait, there's more. Call today, and we'll upgrade you to our deluxe package at no extra charge. With the deluxe package, if your short-term circumstances don't turn around dramatically, Boom will stick around for a while and be a generally pleasant person to know. He'll help you out with household chores, walk the dog, cook dinner, play with the kids. Anything you need."

Then that quick-talking disclaimer guy comes on and says, "Zombie Boomstick does not have much cash of his own, and will not print money. Money gained from exposure to Zombie Boomstick is believed to manifest spontaneously and magically from the land of sugarplum fairies."

Then the pitchman comes back on and implores you, "just look at these testimonials from satisfied customers left in the comments section of this blog:"

That's your cue to provide horribly unconvincing endorsements.