My stress levels are rising.
I am a bit past the midterm point in the summer quarter, and the typical tension and dread of pending finals is approaching. This seems to be a common occurrence for me lately. The concern has always been unfounded in the end, however. That is the reasonable, rational side of me talking. Usually that side is in control. Come test time, however, the emotional, panicky part of my mind kicks into overdrive.
Biology class is going well enough. I am keeping up with the class work, and the study guides are a great help. Plus, I have someone willing to help out with my understanding of plant physiology. The biggest concern I have right now is the simple volume of information I need to keep track of.
Then there's my calculus class. My scores this quarter seem to be running counter to my understanding of the content. The first test, I thought I had a firm grasp on the concepts. My scores amounted to a high "C." The second test, I had no clue what I was doing, and somehow manages a low "A." This time around, I thought I knew the subject matter fairly well, but my homework assignment came back as a high "D." That is not a score I'm used to seeing. With that score in mind, I thought I would run a practice test to see what I needed to work on. Unfortunately, I aced the practice tests. What the hell? Clearly I was doing something wrong in the homework, but failed to generate a sufficient study plan for the test. With the final about two weeks away (holy shit, only two weeks?), I am doubting an online course was the best plan of action here.
I don't have an adequate release for this stress. I went out for a walk, but my over-active mind actually managed to increase my anxiety level, and not just from academic concerns. I managed to pick out three distinct instances of police sirens in the neighborhood, plus one patrol car with a driver that seemed very curious as to why a grizzly bear was dressed in people clothes, wandering around a residential neighborhood muttering about complex numbers and vector magnitudes.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
The Hype Machine Grinds On
I went to the midnight showing of "The Dark Knight" last night. Of course, I return with opinions.
The major opinion is: Go. See it. Now. Perhaps multiple times.
For a bit more detail, check this review. I agree in nearly every respect. And, since I am running on about 3 hours of sleep right now, they have said things much better than I can.
The most common complaint I've seen is about the length of the film. At about two-and-a-half hours, it is longer than most movies, and critics are calling for tighter editing. After seeing the film, I don't know what they would cut out. There is very little in this movie that is inefficient or even slightly unnecessary.
One thing I was a bit surprised by is the rating. After seeing the violence portrayed in the film, I think it is pushing the "PG-13" rating a bit. I wouldn't be surprised if a little more colorful language, or the smallest bit of sexuality would have pushed this into an "R" rating.
But, like I said, see the movie.
The major opinion is: Go. See it. Now. Perhaps multiple times.
For a bit more detail, check this review. I agree in nearly every respect. And, since I am running on about 3 hours of sleep right now, they have said things much better than I can.
The most common complaint I've seen is about the length of the film. At about two-and-a-half hours, it is longer than most movies, and critics are calling for tighter editing. After seeing the film, I don't know what they would cut out. There is very little in this movie that is inefficient or even slightly unnecessary.
One thing I was a bit surprised by is the rating. After seeing the violence portrayed in the film, I think it is pushing the "PG-13" rating a bit. I wouldn't be surprised if a little more colorful language, or the smallest bit of sexuality would have pushed this into an "R" rating.
But, like I said, see the movie.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
I Got Nothing
My mental faculties are draining away. This quarter is rough stuff. I have a biology class that only runs three days a week, but four hours a day. In that time, we run labs every day, usually go through an entire chapter a day, and manage to squeeze in two tests a week. I have an online calculus class that is going well enough, but I worry about what I am retaining. I can knock out the assignments rather quickly. The tests are open-book and untimed, so I can get through those easily enough, but I don't know if I'll know what I'm doing come finals.
I remember that, as a kid, summer school was where the slow kids went to catch up. Now, it's where ambitious (which could be translated as "stupid," depending on your perspective) people go to try and get ahead. After spending half a quarter this summer, I don't think I want to be that ambitious any more. But I probably will.
When I'm not buried in text books and trigonometry equations, I try to post here. That's not going so well. I sit here and end up staring at the keyboard for a while, typing a bit, thinking it's all shit, deleting it, and giving up. Once this is done, I hope my train of thought returns to something resembling what I am accustomed to.
I remember that, as a kid, summer school was where the slow kids went to catch up. Now, it's where ambitious (which could be translated as "stupid," depending on your perspective) people go to try and get ahead. After spending half a quarter this summer, I don't think I want to be that ambitious any more. But I probably will.
When I'm not buried in text books and trigonometry equations, I try to post here. That's not going so well. I sit here and end up staring at the keyboard for a while, typing a bit, thinking it's all shit, deleting it, and giving up. Once this is done, I hope my train of thought returns to something resembling what I am accustomed to.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Train in Vain
You said you loved me, and that's a fact
Then you left me, said you felt trapped
Well some things you can explain away
But my heart aches in me till this day
Did you stand by me?
No, not at all.
Did you stand by me?
No way.
Apologies to We-evil for swiping his lyrical motif.
As much as I like classic punk, I never thought my adult life would bring relevance to lyrics from The Clash. It's really more suited to teen angst and other disaffectations of youth. At 32, you are supposed to put these things behind you. Yet here I am, finding resonance in the words of Joe Strummer. Bear with me a bit. This will likely be the last post on this subject.
I found out Thursday night that she reads my posts here. Or, at least, she used to. She was rather surprised to learn that I knew about the new guy. Through a couple of emails and text messages, she offered a sort of explanation.
It seems that the three biggest factors in her leaving were as follows:
- I am apparently too boisterous for her. She had problems with how outgoing I can be, and how much more difficult it can be to embarrass me than it is for her. Things I would freely talk about with my friends were apparently embarrassing for her.
- She said I blew her off and never made time for her, though she continually made time for me. I can't think of any time I explicitly declined spending time with her. Perhaps she had problems with me not wanting to insinuate myself into the family activities she organized with the kid. Only she really knows.
- She said whenever I did agree to do something with her, she felt like she was forcing me to participate. Evidently my lack of bouncing up and down with barely controlled excitement was translated as reluctance.
She assured me that she hadn't started dating the new guy until after we were done (the phrase "break-up" seems to imply at least mutual consideration). The way she talked about him, though, it seems like she didn't exactly wait too long. She also mentioned the biggest reason she agreed to date this new guy was because it was unlikely I'd find out. There's nothing quite like the justification of "I thought you'd never know" to salve the wounds.
I wish I was big enough to wish her well in the new relationship, but I doubt it will last. Given what she's told me and what I've experienced, I have an idea of how things will go. He'll probably end up as confused as I was.
On the surprising plus side, this information age makes it remarkably easy to excise someone from your life. Contact lists on my phone means I don't actually know anyone's phone number. Three clicks, and a phone number is gone. "Quick Reply" and Contact functions in email programs mean I don't have to learn anyone's address. Three clicks, and an email address is lost.
Then you left me, said you felt trapped
Well some things you can explain away
But my heart aches in me till this day
Did you stand by me?
No, not at all.
Did you stand by me?
No way.
Apologies to We-evil for swiping his lyrical motif.
As much as I like classic punk, I never thought my adult life would bring relevance to lyrics from The Clash. It's really more suited to teen angst and other disaffectations of youth. At 32, you are supposed to put these things behind you. Yet here I am, finding resonance in the words of Joe Strummer. Bear with me a bit. This will likely be the last post on this subject.
I found out Thursday night that she reads my posts here. Or, at least, she used to. She was rather surprised to learn that I knew about the new guy. Through a couple of emails and text messages, she offered a sort of explanation.
It seems that the three biggest factors in her leaving were as follows:
- I am apparently too boisterous for her. She had problems with how outgoing I can be, and how much more difficult it can be to embarrass me than it is for her. Things I would freely talk about with my friends were apparently embarrassing for her.
- She said I blew her off and never made time for her, though she continually made time for me. I can't think of any time I explicitly declined spending time with her. Perhaps she had problems with me not wanting to insinuate myself into the family activities she organized with the kid. Only she really knows.
- She said whenever I did agree to do something with her, she felt like she was forcing me to participate. Evidently my lack of bouncing up and down with barely controlled excitement was translated as reluctance.
She assured me that she hadn't started dating the new guy until after we were done (the phrase "break-up" seems to imply at least mutual consideration). The way she talked about him, though, it seems like she didn't exactly wait too long. She also mentioned the biggest reason she agreed to date this new guy was because it was unlikely I'd find out. There's nothing quite like the justification of "I thought you'd never know" to salve the wounds.
I wish I was big enough to wish her well in the new relationship, but I doubt it will last. Given what she's told me and what I've experienced, I have an idea of how things will go. He'll probably end up as confused as I was.
On the surprising plus side, this information age makes it remarkably easy to excise someone from your life. Contact lists on my phone means I don't actually know anyone's phone number. Three clicks, and a phone number is gone. "Quick Reply" and Contact functions in email programs mean I don't have to learn anyone's address. Three clicks, and an email address is lost.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Well...
Fuck. Again.
I don't get angry often. The vitriol I spew here goes a long way in holding my temper in check. The last time I got truly angry, people (myself included) ended up with broken bones. I try to maintain control over my emotions as much as possible. Those close to me recognize when I get close to angry. I become quiet and methodical. I try to make sure that the next few moments are as controlled as possible.
That is difficult right now.
I am trying very hard not to be angry. This is not an easy task right now. My hands are shaking with the effort of self-restraint I am putting in.
When I got dumped last month, the reasoning was cryptic. The clearest explanation I got was that she was in a place where having a boyfriend complicated things. She was completing her master's thesis, working full-time, and raising a kid. She said she needed to focus on herself and her kid right now, and make sure things don't fly out of control. She said a lot of things.
Turns out a lot of that was complete BULLSHIT. I just found out a few minutes ago that she's dating again. I had suspected as much, but the confirmation hurts worse than the suspicion. Apparently it wasn't having a boyfriend that was the complication. It was having me as a boyfriend that fucked things up. It makes me wonder how long this was going on. How long before or after she cast me aside did she decide to fall all over this new guy?
There's a lot more I want to say, but as I type, the impact of my fingers on the keyboard is getting harder. I should stop before I break something. I guess I haven't put things as far behind me as I had thought.
FUCK!
I don't get angry often. The vitriol I spew here goes a long way in holding my temper in check. The last time I got truly angry, people (myself included) ended up with broken bones. I try to maintain control over my emotions as much as possible. Those close to me recognize when I get close to angry. I become quiet and methodical. I try to make sure that the next few moments are as controlled as possible.
That is difficult right now.
I am trying very hard not to be angry. This is not an easy task right now. My hands are shaking with the effort of self-restraint I am putting in.
When I got dumped last month, the reasoning was cryptic. The clearest explanation I got was that she was in a place where having a boyfriend complicated things. She was completing her master's thesis, working full-time, and raising a kid. She said she needed to focus on herself and her kid right now, and make sure things don't fly out of control. She said a lot of things.
Turns out a lot of that was complete BULLSHIT. I just found out a few minutes ago that she's dating again. I had suspected as much, but the confirmation hurts worse than the suspicion. Apparently it wasn't having a boyfriend that was the complication. It was having me as a boyfriend that fucked things up. It makes me wonder how long this was going on. How long before or after she cast me aside did she decide to fall all over this new guy?
There's a lot more I want to say, but as I type, the impact of my fingers on the keyboard is getting harder. I should stop before I break something. I guess I haven't put things as far behind me as I had thought.
FUCK!
Poor Planning
Sometimes I wonder who is truly responsible for logistical decisions in this town.
A major road near my house is closed for construction. This isn't just some routine patch-job. The entirety of the asphalt has been ripped up, they are doing whatever it is they do to the road bed, and then a whole new layer of asphalt will be applied. Frankly, the road needed it. There were ruts and potholes in that road that made driving downright dangerous for your car's suspension.
This repair job makes sense. not much about that particular project confuses me. I'm not even bothered that, last month, another major road was closed for an entire month for the same thing. What confuses me to the point of exasperation is this: The east-west detour route around the construction is, itself, under construction. Traffic has gone from two lanes in either direction, to one.
Who the hell thought this would be a good idea? Where in the city planning handbook does it recommend redirecting traffic through a neighborhood that has at least three businesses under construction, and one major intersection--the only intersection on that route with a light--under construction?
Oh, and if I happen to get the ear of any of these decision-makers, I would like to remind them that a fully-functional, regularly-timed traffic light is unnecessary when traffic is only permitted to flow in a single direction.
Sometimes I think a group of half-trained chimps could run this city better.
A major road near my house is closed for construction. This isn't just some routine patch-job. The entirety of the asphalt has been ripped up, they are doing whatever it is they do to the road bed, and then a whole new layer of asphalt will be applied. Frankly, the road needed it. There were ruts and potholes in that road that made driving downright dangerous for your car's suspension.
This repair job makes sense. not much about that particular project confuses me. I'm not even bothered that, last month, another major road was closed for an entire month for the same thing. What confuses me to the point of exasperation is this: The east-west detour route around the construction is, itself, under construction. Traffic has gone from two lanes in either direction, to one.
Who the hell thought this would be a good idea? Where in the city planning handbook does it recommend redirecting traffic through a neighborhood that has at least three businesses under construction, and one major intersection--the only intersection on that route with a light--under construction?
Oh, and if I happen to get the ear of any of these decision-makers, I would like to remind them that a fully-functional, regularly-timed traffic light is unnecessary when traffic is only permitted to flow in a single direction.
Sometimes I think a group of half-trained chimps could run this city better.
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