Suggestion Box

I wish I could say that Weevil designating me as his "complaint department" was the exception to the rule. It is not. Seems most everyone I know, and many people I don't use me as a sounding board for their problems.

I certainly do not mind when friends and family come to me for advice, or just a friendly ear. That's what friends are for. And they understand that if I am unfamiliar with the situation, any advice I could give would be of the generic variety that only serves to reinforce decisions they have already made.

When strangers ask me for information on how to run their lives or fix their problems, they never seem to notice the mockery I heap upon them until it is too late. Today, a guy sitting next to me in the computer lab asks me why his computer is not behaving the way he expects. Without even looking up, I ask if he tried shaking it real hard. I explained that such actions usually work for me when dealing with animals and small children, so it would only stand to reason that it would carry over to complex electronic devices as well.

So, to Weevil's complainants (holy shit, that's a real word? I thought I made it up just now.) Feel free to complain vociferously in my general direction. I seem to be running out of things to rip apart here. I have an abundance of vitriol and no place to direct it. I have a seething surplus of scorn, and an apparent affinity for alliteration.

Sometimes I wonder if people understand my humor at all.

Liquid Pretension

If I could find a way to concentrate pretension, bottle it, and market it with a clever slogan, I'd be a fucking billionaire. No, I don't think "billion" quite covers it. Multi-billion seems a bit noncommittal, and trillion seems like I'm reaching a bit. Fuck it.

I spent some time constructing a nice bullet list of general people I want to say "fuck you" to, but things got a bit unwieldy. Seems I've lost what little patience I had with most groups. The list of particular people is hindered by a lack of names. I don't know who these people are, only how they appear to an outside observer.

One specific "fuck you," though: To the couple who was draped across my car Thursday in a rather enthusiastic session of... "heavy petting:" An equally enthusiastic "Fuck both of you!" You're in a rather remote section of the parking lot, so it is not unreasonable to assume you arrived in your own vehicle. Prop yourself up on that vehicle. Likely the one parked next to me. Leave my car out of it. And throwing me the evil eye when I ask you to get off my car? Did you not see how I blocked out the sun itself? I could crush you both without a thought. I think this is different than waving a walking stick at whipper-snappers running across my lawn. This is directing my rage at adults who ought to have a modicum of sense.

This incident capped what had been a gradual building of vitriol and spite that increased in pressure until it had to be released somehow. I hope that this is akin to volcanic activity, and I will be dormant for a month or two before some particular asshattery prompts me to find a tall building and a high-powered rifle.

Evanescence of Memory

This morning I had an idea for a post that would mark me as the winner. Of everything. It was going to be the perfect confluence of observation, sarcasm, vitriol, and tangential asides. Then I made the mistake of falling asleep. It's all gone now. Instead, I'm just hungry. I should order a pizza.

Here Lies the Boom...

This relationship thing is going to end me. But it will be a joyful end. In the past week, I have lost an estimated 20 hours of sleep, lost three nights of study time, and spent only about 6 waking hours at home. OK, that last number is an exercise in hyperbole. I am not as skilled in exaggeration as We-evil, but I manage.

The rational part of me, loaded with logic and reason, says this is pretty much "new toy" syndrome. Things will normalize before long. The irrational part of me, the one largely influenced by exposure to We-evil, wants this to continue as long as possible.

If it does continue, however, I need to re-evaluate my study habits. My current extra-curricular activities are incompatible with my class work.

The Day After

More precisely, a continuation of the day of. After resigning myself to being a whipping boy of the cosmos, things have taken a turn for the sublime. Pertinent details have already been disseminated to a few, and I am content to leave it at that for now. The general scope of events should be made abundantly clear through the context of this post.

Today, I was a wonderfully useless, scatterbrained mess. Lack of sleep, and other contributing factors will do that. Really, it's not an effective mind-set in a college environment. Just when I thought I might have a nice run of conscious thought, a wonderful scent would waft from the surface of my jacket. More than once, someone asked about the ridiculous grin on my face.

That's about the limit to my cognitive ability right now. I still have some wonderful smells on my clothing. I am sleepy, and looking forward to some fantastic dreams.

Oh, and a quick five letters for Thumper: GF FTW!